If I knew someone who was getting married or having a baby, this is the dish I would bring to the shower.

Yes, I’d saunter in with my hair all shiny and flippy and my dress not-slutty with this Mediterranean 7-Layer Dip clutched protectively to my bosom. But not so protectively that I dip my bosom into it. That would be awkward.

I’d say my hellos, all hugs and kisses and clouds of perfume, and place my special dish on the center kitchen island, carefully removing the plastic wrap so as to not dislodge one single, strategic sprinkle or layer of hummus, tapenade, yogurt, pesto, feta, grape tomato, red onion, parsley. The guest-of-honor’s grandmother’s sister’s best friend, Linda, would be hovering at my elbow, oohing and ahhing. Is that lemon zest?

Yes, in fact, it is lemon zest, ethereal whispers of brightness threaded amongst the onions and parsley. Linda would be making such a production of my zest whispers, gesticulating madly with her freshly manicured hands, that it would attract a small crowd of inquiring minds. What’s in there? How clever! That must have taken you all day to make!

I would smile sheepishly, in the way that my almost half-dimple appears.

I would not, under any circumstance, tell them it took me all of 10 minutes to throw it together because I just opened up a bunch of containers from Trader Joe’s.

I wouldn’t tell them I was inspired by the traditional mexican dip, but I nixed the actual mexican idea because I thought it too trashy to bring to a high-falutin shower like this.

No one wants stinky refried beans alongside Quiche Lorraine and pink cupcakes.

No offense to mexican food, of course. I can love all over, up, and under some refried beans and cheese but it just doesn’t seem to fit every occasion, ya know. Plus, Linda wouldn’t want to get any under her nails..

So I translated those 7 layers to something Mediterranean, that makes you think whitewashed houses studding a greek coastline. It something that requires pita chips or fancy crackers and a glass of Pinot Noir. It’s classy, with an honest-to-Goddess capital “C.”

Now, if only I knew someone who was knocked up or getting hitched – I wouldn’t be sitting on the couch, scraping the remnants of these 7 layers out of that pie dish with a Dorito (because I polished off the pita chips earlier in the day).

Mediterranean 7-Layer Dip

2 1/2 cups hummus
1 cup greek yogurt
1/3 cup pesto
3/4 cup tapenade
3/4 cup feta
1/2 cup grape tomatoes, cut in halves
1/4 cup red onion, finely diced
1 tablespoon freshly parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped
1 teaspoon lemon zest

In a serving dish, arrange the layers in following order, starting from the bottom: hummus, yogurt, pesto, tapenade, feta, tomatoes, red onion, parsley, basil, lemon zest. Keep refrigerated until ready to serve. Can be assembled one day ahead of serving.

Are you planning your Superbowl party menu? Good – add this hummus to the spread. (Oh, I’m so punny!)

Look, hummus isn’t anything earth-shattering. I surmise it won’t be long before McDonalds is serving it up alongside their chicken nuggets, or something. But this hummus is special because it’s THE ONLY hummus I plan on ever making. (Dramatic, much?)

This hummus recipe is inspired by my favorite place to eat lunch in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD (yes, dramatic very much), Max’s Grille in Boca Raton, Florida. This place has the royal trifecta:

–outside seating
–great food
–great people watching

Awesome people watching, actually. I can skip my weekly dose of Bravo TV and Us magazine when I lunch here.

I can watch dogs in pink strollers roll by, Bentleys roll by, tweens dressed like Brittany Spears stroll by, mothers dressed like Brittany Spears stroll by. And grandmas dressed like. . . oh, nevermind. But a lot of them are on the prowl, so Ashton Kutcher better stay away.

I can see freshly bandaged noses and ladies who lunch while sharing with each other their face lift scars. Oh, and there’s palm trees and sunshine, too.

All this, while I shove forkful after forkful of their complimentary hummus into my pie hole, intermittently wiping it from my chin and out of my hair. It’s an unbelievably sexy picture. I call it my anti-rape look.

Each time Mr Hausfrau and I lunch there, this is the scene:

Me: (while thinly spreading the hummus on a plate and peering closely at it) I really need to figure out what’s in here. I really need to make this at home. What do you think is in here? Do you think that’s parsley or cilantro? I really need to make this. I really need to figure this out. I wonder if they’ll tell me? Is that tomato? Is that parsley? I think they use sesame oil, don’t you? Or is it extra tahini? What do you think? Do you like it? Should I make it at home? Are you staring at that girl’s bubbies? Are you listening to me?

Mr. Hausfrau: Sure, whatever makes you happy.

That Mr. Hausfrau sure is a trooper. Kudos to him for knowing the difference between cilantro and parsley.

After several at-home attempts at Max’s magical hummus, I think I finally nailed it. It’s a relief to know that I can enjoy this at home, in my pajamas, on the couch, and a dog cuddled at each hip. It’s certainly not as glamorous as the real thing, but who needs glamour when you have obedient animals to lick hummus smudges off your knee?

Hummus a la Max’s

1 15-ounce can of chickpeas, rinsed and drained
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 tablespoon water
6 tablespoons tahini
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon roasted sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons parsley, chopped
2 tablespoons sundried tomatoes (oil packed), diced

Pulse the chickpeas, lemon jucie, water and salt in food processor until mostly ground. Scrape down the bowl and add the olive and sesame oils. Process until the mixture is totally smooth and creamy.

Transfer the hummus to a bowl and fold in the parsley and sundried tomoatoes. Refrigerate 1 hour, allowing the hummus to thicken and the flavors to combine.

I’m on a miniature baked goods kick.

A few months ago, I was on a curry kick, and I daresay the lingering smell of muffins and donuts stuck in my clothes and clinging to my kitchen cabinets smells infinitely better.

Sugar and butter always trumps garam masala, coriander, and tumeric in my book. Unless I can find a way to get those spices in a cookie.

Don’t encourage me.

So, these mini-donuts – how cute are they? They’re all dolled up with the sprinkles and the sugar and the coconuts. And the jazz hands (those aren’t pictured).

Oh, and they’re lemon. Bright, citrusy, sweet, and miniature. With sprinkles and jazz hands. Does it get any better?

In fact, it does. This is a reasonably light recipe, so a few of these won’t massacre your diet. Slipping a few of these onto each finger and dancing around the house to the BeeGees as you nibble through each donut covered finger may put a wrench in things, but I think the physical activity wins you a few points.

Just make sure your curtains are drawn when you do it. Because, you know, the neighbors (ahem, and their company) may not have an appreciation for your new workout.

Miniature Lemon Donuts

1 1/4 cup cake flour
1/2 cup coconut sugar
1 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 egg
1 1/2 tablespoon melted butter
1 teaspoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon vanilla

3/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon half and half
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
5 drops yellow food coloring

Sprinkles, decorating sugar, coconut, etc for toppings

For the donuts: Preheat the oven to 425.

In a large bowl, sift together the cake flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk the egg, sugar, and buttermilk until well blended. Whisk in the butter, lemon zest, and vanilla. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir until combined.

Fill the donut wells until 2/3 full and bake 6 minutes. Allow the donuts to cool completely before glazing.

For the glaze: In a small bowl, stir together the sugar, lemon juice, zest, vanilla and food coloring. Whisk in the half and half slowly, until the glaze is well blended.

To finish the donuts, arrange a cooling rack over a sheet pan. Dip the top of the donuts in the glaze and set the donuts, glazed side up, on the cooling rack, allowing the excess glaze to drip down. Once the glaze has had a few minutes to set, decorate with sprinkles, coconut, sugar, etc as desired. Allow the glaze to harden before eating.

January 2, 2012.

Can you believe it?

Ugh.

I know. Just ugh.

So, in case y’all already don’t feel bad enough for my poor husband being saddled with a clumsycrazyawkward wife and three noisystinkydemanding dogs, I have the clincher for you: Today is Mr. Hausfrau’s birthday.

A birthday on January 2nd, when the entire world is SO OVER celebrating and barely coming out of their holiday stupor is a little anti-climactic. Folks are relieved to get the holidays past them and resume normal life, getting that increasingly long to-do list checked off. Everyone is getting back to work and spending an extra hour in the gym.

Just try getting a last minute birthday cake on January 2nd. See how the entire bakery will laugh at you. And then roll their eyes.

Yep, when it came to birthdays, Mr. Hausfrau got kinda shafted. Poor guy.

But, that’s why I made him my favorite smoothie for his birthday. I even crusted the glass with yellow sugar. To add a little bit of special and a touch of crack. Sure there will be candles and cake and ice cream later, but starting the day with a belly full of health is the least I can do for that man.

And if you’re like me and had nearly eaten your bodyweight in sugar coated, fat injected carbs last month? Well, short of a colonic, this smoothie is the least I can do to help your insides start the new year off right.

My Favorite Smoothie
(serves 2)

1 cup frozen strawberries
1/2 cup frozen mango
1/2 cup frozen pineapple
1 cup greek yogurt
1 scoop banana protein powder
4 teaspoons sweetener (honey, maple syrup, Splenda, etc)
1 cup water
5 ice cubes

Add ingredients to the blender in the following order for smoothest blending: water, yogurt, sweetener, protein powder, frozen fruit, and ice cubes. Blend until smooth and enjoy immediately.

Me neither. I’m over my resolutions by January 3rd, max.

I also have the heart of a cranky old lady, so there won’t be any hootenannies and wacky hijinks for me as I ring in 2012. Mr. Hausfrau and I are going to celebrate with a few other couples over a cozy little dinner at home.

Perhaps some of you are keeping it real, too, with a small party at your home? Or a big party, keg included? Maybe you’re far more sophisticated than me and you’ll be hosting a New Year’s brunch? Whatever your event, these pecans are an addicting nibbler you’ll want to serve to your guests. They’re impossibly easy, yet your guests will insist on learning WHERE you got these nuts. Because there’s no way they can be homemade. Don’t be offended. They mean it as a compliment.

These pecans are just a little bit of everything: smokey, salty, spicy, and sweet. Besides their merits as a snacky handful, these nuts are delicious on a salad and OVER.THE.TOP when crusting a medallion of goat cheese.

Plus, nuts are heart healthy. And what’s that they say about having a happy and healthy New Year?

In fact, maybe the pecan industry wants to hire me right now as their head of marketing : “Pecans. The (easy) alternative to your (stinkin) New Year’s resolutions.”

Anyway, I’m going to hang out here and wait for the CEO of Pecans America to call me. In the meantime, make these and save a couple for me, would ya?

Smokey and Sweet Pecans

3 tablespoons coconut sugar
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1 egg white
4 cups or 1 pound pecan halves
3/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small bowl, stir together the sugar, spices and salt. Set aside. In a large bowl, whip the egg white until frothy. Stir in the nuts. Fold in the spice mixture, making sure the nuts are evenly coated. Spread the nuts out onto a sheet pan and bake, stirring periodically, 20 minutes. Cool nuts completely and serve or store in an airtight container.