I know you.

Somewhere around 11:36 pm on December 31st, between your 5th cupcake and 2nd keg stand of the evening, amongst 256 of your closest friends, you declared that 2012 would be YOUR year.

It would be the year that you finally throw away your Abercrombie and Fitch sweatpants collection. For 2012, you resolved to meditate more (or at all) and listen to Howard Stern religiously (yes, they do go together). Indeed, 2012 would be the year that you finally drop those last 10 pounds and give Giselle Bundchen a run for her money.

You’re still waiting to get your Sirius hooked up and you (foolishly) learned that meditation in those Abercrombie sweatpants is a bad idea. I’m referring to the numbness in your thighs and that exposed butt crack. How those two are managed at the same time by the same pair of pants, you’ll never know.

But the pounds – you’ve been working on that. Just open the refrigerator: it’s filled with greek yogurt, cottage cheese, almond milk, egg whites, berries, greens, and chicken. A lot of chicken in fact. Grilled chicken, poached chicken, chicken salad, chicken strips, and another package of chicken, raw and waiting to be cooked. That package right there is making you shudder. And contemplate a 45-day dry-aged, bone-in New York Strip, cooked medium and snuggled up to a fluffy pile of parmesan mashed potatoes.

I know.

If it were me, I’d say screw the chicken and get ye to the steakhouse. Which would probably explain why I’m still living in leggings and using my skinny jeans as dust rags.

But, that chicken. You need to cook it because it’ll go bad and the steak, ohthatjuicysteak!, it can wait. Really. It will still be there next week.

I’ve got something new for you and that pound o’ raw chicken. It’s super easy, too. Mix up some herbs, orange marmalade, low fat mayo, and dijon mustard. Slather it over the chicken, sprinkle it with some Panko and bake it.

It’s tasty and comforting. It’s a texture bonanza. I swear to you that it won’t blow your diet, and I swear to you it’ll make you forget about the steak.

Just for tonight, at least.

But those egg whites and that cottage cheese also in the fridge? I can’t help you with those. You should totally throw those away and eat a Pop Tart instead.

Orange Dijon Chicken

1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, trimmed
1/4 cup orange marmalade
1/4 cup low fat mayonnaise
1/4 cup dijon mustard
1 teaspoon herbs de provence
1/4 cup Panko crumbs

Preheat the oven to 375.

Arrange the chicken breasts in a shallow baking pan so that they are flat and not touching. Set aside.

In a small bowl, mix together the orange marmalade, mayonnaise, dijon mustard, and herbs de provence. Spread the mixture over the chicken breasts and sprinkle the Panko evenly across the covered breasts.

Bake until golden and the juices run clear, approximately 50 minutes.

Really. I get it.

But, you’ll need to eat again sometime soon. You may even have houseguests for the weekend and they’ll want to be fed. The Thanksgiving leftovers will be fun and awesome and thebestthingever for about 24 hours, until no one wants to even look at them again.

Yes, you’ll get a little hungry some time late Saturday afternoon. Maybe you’ll have done some holiday shopping and keyed a few cars after they stole your spot at the mall. You’ll need a little comfort and you’ll want “a little something.” Just a little treat to soothe your frazzled nerves.

Besides, your cousins, the ones from nowheresville, USA have decided to just pop by, and they’re hinting heavily at how they had a light lunch. Your sister’s kids are there, too, precious little cherubs that they are. Those little cherubs have been playing Cowboys and Indians for the last 4 hours. Loudly.

You realize the fastest way to keep your guests happy, the screaming children quiet and yourself from positively levitating is to feed everyone SOMETHING. You check the pantry but the the broken and smashed cookies from a few days ago just aren’t cutting it, especially when all the turkey-shaped sugar cookies are missing their heads. It’s a little chilling, if you ask me.

Stay calm. Because you have a magic weapon and it’s this glorious bread and spread combination. The loaf lets you use up some of those odds and ends you have leftover from the holiday, too. It’s moist, orange, and proud from the butternut squash, flecked with fresh cranberries, and hinting of an orange essence. You’ll be glad you made this and stored it in the freezer to have on hand for moments like these.

And the spread? Well, who can resist cream cheese chunked with cheddar and chutney, studded with dates, crystallized ginger, and macadamia nuts? It’s perfect with the bread or any other sliced carbs you have hanging out in the kitchen.

Your family will think you’re some sort of superhero. The kind that slays dragons in stained sweatpants and scuffed Ugg boots. And that’s a good thing.

Because this is the time of year when you really do strive to be a little more like Martha Stewart, even if you normally disdain her year-round precision.

You KNOW that Martha isn’t bustin’ out some broke-ass cookies when company decides to drop by. And neither should you.

Butternut Cranberry Orange Loaf

1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/3 cup milk
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 1/3 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 cup butternut squash puree
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon orange zest
1 cup raw cranberries, roughly chopped

Preheat oven to 350.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a large bowl, cream the butter until soft. Add the sugar and beat on high speed until light and fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, and beat on low speed after each addition. Add vanilla, orange zest, and squash puree and mix on low speed until combined.

Add half of the flour mixture to the butter/squash mixture and stir until barely combined. Fold in the milk and stir in the rest of the flour mixture until just blended. Fold in the chopped cranberries.

Transfer the mixture to greased loaf pan and bake for approximately 1 hour, until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out dry. Cool and remove from the pan. Slice the bread once you are ready to serve it.

Chunky Chutney Spread
(adapted from Rachel Ray)

1 8-ounce block of cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup sharp cheddar, shredded
1/3 cup mango chutney
1/2 cup macadamia nuts, roughly chopped
1/4 cup crystallized ginger, minced
1/4 cup dates, chopped

Add all your ingredients to the bowl of food processor and pulse 20-30 times, until well-combined but still a little chunky. Serve or store covered in the refrigerator.